Mimi and Tilly

Hello. How are you? 

Long time, no write, huh?

I've decided it's time for me to start blogging again. Its been almost four years since my last blog post, and I feel like I've got some stuff to say.

To be completely honest, the political landscape of the last four years has had me spitting feathers.  Actually, to be fair, I've mostly been spitting swear words. 

Writing out a long list of expletives and sharing them with you didn't feel like the most productive thing to be sending out into the world, so I hushed my mouth, backed away from my blog and embarked on several years of fuming on Facebook (with an ill-advised segue into the Twittersphere, where I learned very quickly that there are a lot of very angry white men who don't like women sharing their strong opinions.  Live it, learn it.)

So, life has moved on for all of us and here we all are. 

Slap bang in the middle of a global pandemic. 

Who saw that coming (apart from a dearth of farsighted Hollywood film makers intent on scaring the beejesus out of all of us with apocalyptic horror stories, obvs)?

Its been eleven years since I first started blogging.  ELEVEN YEARS.  Sorry for shouting.

My blog at that time was about me exploring being creative for a full year to see if that would change my life.  

(Spoiler:  It did.)

Over those 11 years, I've grown and changed. I've aged a fair bit. Become a soupcon more angry. A whole lot less bothered by the small stuff. 

I guess that's what middle age does to us (I still class myself as middle aged even though I need to live to be over a hundred for it to count).

If you're reading this, thanks for being here. I appreciate you taking the time to take a look and see what I've got to say after so long.

So to kick start things, here's a post I wrote way back in 2018 but didn't send out into the world.  I'm not sure why I didn't share it.  

In light of us all being exhausted by this pandemic, alongside divisive politics, an upcoming election in the US, and the possibility of a no-deal Brexit here in the UK, it might offer something for your weary soul in the midst of all the stresses and strains we're navigating.

I'm sending you love and am glad to be back.

Em x

Scroll down to read my recently rediscovered post from April 2018. 

  

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The 25th October 2017 was the third anniversary of my mum's death. Can you believe that? Three years have passed since that awful week at the hospital, saying goodbye to Mum.

People have repeatedly said to me that "Time heals",

It doesn't.  People heal because they choose to.

I know it sounds harsh but it's actually profoundly beautiful that even though we experience the most staggering losses, the deepest of pain, the most awful of tragedies, and our hearts feel broken and life feels devastatingly lonely, we do what we need to do to heal our tender wounds.

Time doesn't heal our hearts.  We do.

Every single day.  People get up, feel the emotional devastation and still feed their children, take care of themselves, love their families, tend to themselves and others. Continue to build a life.  Even when they don't want to.  Even when everything feels lost.  Even when every inch of their heart wants to lie down and give up.

I don't know a single person who hasn't experienced the deepest of pain.  No-one gets out unscathed. Life unfolds and we experience all of it.  The hurt, the beauty, the joy, the sadness.  Life is made up of contrasts, and to fully experience the light, it seems we must fully understand and experience darkness.

So, recently, when I had my mum's coats dry-cleaned so that I could proudly and lovingly wear them this winter and feel somehow wrapped in her, I only momentarily worried that I was cleaning her presence out of the very dusty cloth before being able to hand them over to a friend to take to the cleaners. No panic that the cleaners might lose them.  No fear of them being in a stranger's hands. Just a feeling of huge love for those coats and wanting to look after them as best I could.

In that moment I realised I was healing.

I am not the same person I was.

The Universe has taught me some things about Life and how to heal a bruised heart in recent years.  I thought I might share some of those things with you.

The Things the Universe Thought it was Important for me to Know

• Emma, if wonderful things happen, accept them and let them go. All things pass.  Enjoy the wonder of them, soak them up, land in the middle of them and feel all of the joy. Absorb all the colours, taste all the sweetness, touch all the softness of them. Be fully present for all of the loveliness. Then, Emma, let go.

• If terrible and painful things happen, accept them and let go. Don't shy away from the pain. Fighting against the hard things of Life makes them more painful. Experience all of the pain, land in the middle of it and allow yourself to feel all of the hurt. Allow yourself to feel bruised and broken.  I know it's hard, try to do it anyway, Emma. Be kind to yourself in the pain, be tender with yourself, respect the depth of your hurt and give yourself everything you need to move through it with love for yourself. Breathe. Rest. Give yourself all the love you have in your heart that you would give another person if you saw them suffering the same pain you're feeling.  

• Don't diminish the truth of your feelings.

• Rage, cry, get angry.  It's important to express the truth of your feelings in order to move through them.  Denying the pain of your darkest feelings will not make the pain go away, it simply defers the experience.  The pain will come out whether you want it to or not. Expressing pain helps to release it. Denying pain keeps you stuck in it.  One of the ironic paradoxes of Life, Emma.

• Bring kindness and tenderness to everything you experience. In the tense moments of Life it's easy to not understand the true depth of power that lies in the small moments of kindness and tenderness that we give to ourselves and other people. The deepest beauty of Life is to be found in those smallest of moments, where we choose to carefully place that quiet power. Not just for other people, but for ourselves too.  

• Emma, allow yourself to be present. See, feel, taste and smell all of it. The beauty of Life gives huge joy, the dark stuff of Life gives huge understanding and empathy. Embrace the contrasts fully.

• All people suffer. Everyone is just trying to be happy. As far as possible, live by the words of the theologian Ian Maclaren, who wrote, "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle".

• Give nourishment to yourself as much as you can when you are hurting. Try not to feel guilty that the only person you can give to is yourself.  It is right and proper to give yourself care and respect when you are wounded and hurting and you need to heal.

• Emma, when you are ready, understand that if you want to experience beauty in the world, put beauty into the world.  If you want to experience tenderness, be tender with everyone you meet. If you want to be loved, give love away. If you want to be heard and seen, listen, hear and see the truth and reality of those around you. Emma, give away what you most want to keep. Put out into the world the things you most want to experience.

• Be sure that when you are saying "Yes" to something/someone , you aren't saying "No" to yourself.

• Ask for help.

• Accept help.

• Ask for Love.

• Allow yourself to soak up the love that flows your way. Try not to tell people you are fine when you're not. Don't feel guilty about being loved, Emma. You don't need to be proud when you're hurting.

• Love might not come from the places you expect it to come from. Love flows eternally and may reach you from unexpected sources.  Let it land, try not to push it away because you don't want to put people out. Let yourself be loved. 

• Above and beyond everything else, Emma, be kind and tender with yourself.  

Over the past year, the beauty of life has come flooding back again. I'm not sad when I wake up. I don't find myself crying unexpectedly at a piece of music or a certain memory. I find myself laughing and snorting my tea in the same way I used to before Mum died. Instead of only feeling the total absence of her, I'm starting to be able to feel my mum around me.  In the flowers she used to love. The butter dish she bought for me. The grasses and trees all around me she used to point out to me when I was little and in my pram. The coats of hers I'm able to wear. The new shoes she bought not long before she died and never got to wear, that I get to wear for her this winter instead.

I miss her, every day, but I'm not brokenhearted any more.

I think my mum would be so happy about that.  She didn't want me to not be OK without her.

I'm so glad that if she were to knock on my door right now and ask me how I'm doing, I'd be able to say, "It was rough for a while Mum, and I miss you every day, but I'm happy again. I've got so much to tell you."

There's scar tissue around the wound, but the wound is definitely healing.

With love for you and your wounds, wherever you are.

♥